i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
