She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize