News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
