at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
