I want you more than these girls want KFC
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
