Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
