i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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