ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
