Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
