im drinking this country out of the recession.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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