I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
