I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
