I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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