someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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