we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
