Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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