but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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