the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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