I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
