She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
