She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
