I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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