i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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