What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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