doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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