I puked a lego.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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