the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
