Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
