she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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