i need an iv and a liver transplant
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
why is half of my head shaved?
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