no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
