im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
