I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
