I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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