i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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