Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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