my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
