I am puke
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
