i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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