I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
