A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
