have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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