She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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