I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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