one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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