It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
