there's paper in my vomit.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
