I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
