Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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