This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
